This post was inspired by Nicci from Baby gay days where she shared a story of the time her ex boyfriend had unconsented sex with her and believe me, I was MAD AF after reading that. Over time, I have been starting to wonder if guys would ever get to a stage where they let women be when they say no to sex. Stories of boyfriends and husbands having sex with their girlfriends/wives without their consent are becoming more rampant every day and believe me it’s heartbreaking. The fact that someone who is meant to be your safe space and someone who is meant to protect you from the cruelties of this world is the one to totally wreck you is so disheartening and what’s worse is the fact that most guys don’t think having sex without a girl’s consent is wrong!

Sexual consent

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Girls, if a guy loves you, he will respect your desires, likes, dislikes and everything about you. If you say no to a guy and he gets mad at you for saying no then he doesn’t love you. If a guy wouldn’t take no for an answer then he doesn’t love you as someone that cares for you would never want to do something you do not approve of.

These days, when a girl says no to a guy, he starts to make her feel guilty. Some men get angry and refuse to talk just because she refused to have sex with him for some reason while some others go ahead and have their way anyways. Some even go as far as telling you that they wouldn’t want to have sex with you if they didn’t love you which is a big LIE! The fact that a guy finds you f*ckable doesn’t mean he loves you. Nahhh far from it.

Now you listen, you should never let anyone make you feel guilty about not wanting to or not being in the mood to have sex with them. Nobody is entitled to having sex with you. You don’t owe anybody sex. No matter who it is, it is your body and you shouldn’t do it if you don’t wanna do it. I am 18 and I feel like I know a lot. I don’t know about you but I believe I own my body and so I have the right to do whatever I want to do with it whenever I want to do it. It’s high time CONSENT and the fact that you will not always be in the mood for sex is acknowledged.

CONSENT is very important and I feel like consent should be talked about prior to getting into a relationship and clear boundaries should be set. Before getting into a relationship, let the guy know that you won’t always be down for sex and in times like that, you want your feelings and desires to be acknowledged and respected. You should let him know that sex without your consent is a complete NO! If he’s cool with the aforementioned, (by saying if he’s cool, I don’t mean if he gives an unconvincing “I agree”, I mean if he gives a solid reply that shows he really agrees, and is completely okay with not having sex with you when you aren’t down for it and not having sex with you without your consent), you can go into the relationship otherwise, run away from that relationship.

Love understands. Come to think of this, if you really love someone and you ask them to do something and they don’t want to do it or they say they are not in the mood for it. You won’t force them would you? In the same way, if a guy really loves you he would respect your feelings, desires, wants, likes, dislikes and everything about you and he won’t have sex without your consent, force or cajole you to have sex with him when he knows you aren’t down for it. The fact that you are her boyfriend/husband doesn’t give you the right to touch her without her consent. It doesn’t mean she would always be down to have sex. Remember, if you love her, her feelings, wants would matter to you.

Sexual consent

If anybody, anybody at all be it your husband, boyfriend, friend or whoever, has sex with you without your consent, it is RAPE and there is no better term for that. RAPE isn’t rape only when it’s some stranger you saw on the side of the street that forcefully had sex with you without your consent. Even if it is your husband or boyfriend that has sex with you without first getting a solid affirmative reply from you, it is RAPE. It is high time, we ladies start to sound the word CONSENT to guys, stand up for ourselves and let them know that unconsented sex is RAPE and nothing else!

We should speak up for ourselves and let go of the fear. If we don’t speak up for ourselves, how are we going to make the men understand that consent is important? How are we gonna let them know that our desires and opinions matter? How are they gonna understand the fact that we own our body and reserve the right to it no matter who they are in our lives? The earlier we decide to put an end to this, the better for us. We are not gonna just sit there and let these guys all in the name of boyfriends and husbands act like they own us and can do whatever they please. Social media doesn’t help either but we can change that. We are tired of feeling unsafe among people that are meant to be our safe space. It is time to let every guy out there know that unconsented sex is rape. It is time to stand up for you!

Some important facts about consent

  • The absence of the word NO doesn’t mean she’s down for it.
  • Consent should never be assumed.
  • If she says no, let her be, do not pressure or try to cajole her into having sex with you. If she says no and then you pressure her into doing it and she ends up agreeing to do it, it doesn’t mean she gave her consent. It means you pressured her into doing it and pressuring is assault.
  • Consent should never be taken in a drunken state.
  • If the consent isn’t enthusiastic don’t do it. An unenthusiastic yes is as good as a no.
  • We don’t owe anyone sex. If we say no, leave us alone.
  • Consent is given without the use of force, threats or cajoling. If it takes convincing, it is not consent.
  • Consent expires and the fact that she is down for it and willingly agrees to have sex today doesn’t mean, she is gonna be down for it every other time.

It’s high time guys start to take consent as a thing. Having unconsented sex with someone is RAPE. I own my body and I have the right to do whatever I want to do with it. Have you had any experience of unconsented sex? We would love to hear your story in the comments so we can learn from it and what steps do you feel can be taken to make guys more aware of the fact that CONSENT is important?

33 Comments

  1. I think one thing which would help is talking about consent in schools from an early age. Letting kids know that it’s okay to say no if you don’t want to hug someone or work with someone. Let kids have autonomy when they are younger. Teach them to respect other people’s boundaries and as they get older introduce the idea of consent with sex in sex education. I’ve definitely not had my right to consent accepted before and I think it’s such a wider thing than just sex, it’s about our boundaries as people, like if I say no I don’t want someone to hug me then don’t hug me, if I say no I don’t want to go out tonight then accept the no. Like I think it’s something that needs to be talked about more wildly and introduced when we’re younger.

  2. Those stories always make me so angry too as they are the people you are supposed to be able to let your guard down with. It’s awful how common it is too. Consent shouldn’t be a hard concept to grasp. It’s awful that some people don’t think of it as rape when it happens inside a relationship too x

  3. Yes to this post. It breaks my heart when I hear stories of people feeling pressured into having sex. We have the ability to say no if we choose to and the thought that someone ignores that is horrible.

  4. Great post! Thank you for sharing this post, as it’s so important to draw attention to consent- and the fact that it isn’t just a case of someone saying “no”. It’s also important to remember that “no” really does mean “no” and we need to take it more seriously x

  5. Thank you so much for sharing this!! It is a topic very close to my heart and needs to be spoken and addressed more. Consent is the most important thing – nobody has ownership of your body and you have the right to say no x

  6. I remember feeling just as angry by the same post. This happened to me with one of my ex boyfriends and I haven’t quite been the same since. I think boys need to understand that having a girlfriend or wife doesn’t mean constant approval!

    Katie | katieemmabeauty.com

  7. I hadn’t read Nicci’s post, so went to read it before continuing with yours. I am speechless at how men act towards something like this. Admit your faults, as we do admit ours.
    Thank you for highlighting this in such a well-written article, Ruthie. I felt every single word of it.
    x

  8. Wow, thank you so much for sharing such an important subject! It’s time conversations around consent become normalised and highlighted!

  9. I was in a sexually abusive relationship for over a year when I was in my early 20’s and looking back on it, I can’t believe I didn’t realize how horrible it was while I was in it. It wasn’t until he became abusive in other ways that I called it quits (only for him to harass and threaten me and my family afterward). It was a really frightening experience and it took a long time for me to open up again and be comfortable in a relationship. I don’t know what the heck I’d do without my husband because he truly taught me what it’s like to be in a real, loving, affirming, committed relationship. I thought I’d fear intimacy forever, but I have learned so much over the years and I’m grateful for that. It’s important that women know what you shared here, but I think it’s even more important for men to know to STOP when someone doesn’t consent. It breaks my heart to hear more and more stories of sexual assault, abuse, and rape. I just hate it – especially because of my past.

  10. Completely agree! Consent is so important, even in a relationship as some guys seem to think that just because they are with you, they are entitled to sex!

  11. This is such a powerful post! Consent needs to be ensured at any age!. I hate it when men think they have the right because there married and when they act like they own the person and can do what they want when they want. It really makes me angry. x

  12. Loving that you were inspired by a fellow writer to write this! This line spoke to me so powerfully: “Girls, if a guy loves you, he will respect your desires, likes, dislikes and everything about you.”

    Yes, yes, and yes! If a guy loves you, he understands the absence of the word ‘no’ does not mean we are down for anything. I appreciate and respect respectful guys right back and am loving that, with more women sharing their thoughts on the need for consent and what it looks like, men have the chance to learn a little more too!
    Thanks so much for sharing. 🙂

  13. Such an important post, it’s heart-breaking to know that posts like this are so necessary! But I totally agree, and it’s something that should be talked about so that it becomes the norm. Thanks for sharing!

    Anika | chaptersofmay.com

  14. This is such an important topic we should all talk more about. There is so much pressure put on girls while no one is educating boys on how to act so that girls don’t feel ashamed when they say NO or pressured to say yes. Those are the things that should be taught from an early age. In my opinion, the family has the most important role here.

    Antonia || Sweet Passions

  15. Good post! You and I have the same opinion and feminist mind when it comes to sex and women rights. A husband or boyfriend doesn’t have the right to force a woman if she is not in a mood. That’s not love! That is raping! Mile raping!

  16. Yes, yes and YES again! It makes my heart break to think that some females aren’t sure about the lines between consent. hopefully, this post will land in front of the kind of people who need it
    Well done you for sharing this!

    Rosie

  17. Incredible post! Thank you for speaking about this! I totally agree with everything in this post! Consent is so important and it’s disgusting that some men take advantage of women.

  18. Powerful words. The way men act around women is part of the reason I don’t bother dating anymore. That and extreme anxiety, which flares up when I feel pressured.

  19. Hi Ruth! (I love your name, by the way!) Thank you for writing your heart out in this post. You have passionately covered a topic that needs to be at the forefront of all women’s (and men’s) minds. There needs to be more awareness that every single day, a woman’s right to say no is being dismissed and disregarded.

    In my humble opinion, the right to consent is only a part of the problem. The bigger picture is a lack of empathy and respect. Although, I must admit, women can be just as guilty of this shortcoming as men in different ways!

    As a Christian woman myself, I believe that the body is sacred. We were created by God for intimacy, in profound and moving ways. Sex is a union never to be taken lightly. It forms a bond that is not easily undone, which is why marriage was the ideal situation. However, as you’ve pointed out in this post, marriage does not always equal respect.

    That’s why I wholeheartedly believe that regardless of the relational status, our society must value PEOPLE over PLEASURE. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get it. Plus, if you really want something – what are your motives? Wrong is wrong. In order to see true change, there needs to be a shift from a me-first mentality to one of mutual love, caring, honor, respect, and a servant’s heart. It is then we would see this issue begin to heal.

    I have lived through this abuse and I wish no person on this planet ever had to experience such pain. Thank you for sharing this critically vital piece.

    Love, Holly ♥ https://wholenesshaven.com

    1. Aw Holly! Thank you so much for this comment. I am so happy to know that you resonate with this as much as I do. I used to check out your blog and I love it. I agree that consent is only a part of the problem. The bigger picture is one of lack of love, empathy and respect. I feel if you really love someone, then you will respect them, their desires and everything about them and you wouldn’t do anything they don’t approve of. Sometimes when I hear stories like these, I wonder where the perpetrators kept their conscience and I wonder how they violate others and end up not feeling guilty at all. Like where TF are their human emotions? I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. This is really something that has to be talked about more. I hope more people start to talk more about topics like this so that there can be a change. Thanks so much for your lovely comment x!

  20. This is such an insightful post. As someone of an older generation, what I had hoped had changed from my own young adulthood sounds like it hasn’t at all. This is very discouraging just my perspective is that women are much more vocal and confident now than they were back then in my younger years. Thanks for posting such an important piece.

  21. I think consent is something we should be very clear about! I have even spoken to my 13 year old son about the importance of it.

    Great post Ruth with a very important message x

  22. YES!!! Thank you so much for speaking about this incredibly important topic – consent is so important to talk about and have a greater understanding about! Thank you for sharing

  23. Great post, Ruth!! Consent is so important. I feel like men being aggressive pursuers has been romanticized so much that some people just don’t realize it’s not okay. Obviously both people in a relationship need to consent, but it seems like (at least in my experience) the people who are most likely to brush off or ignore boundaries regarding sex or touching are men. It’s a sad situation.

  24. Great post! It’s so important to have the issue of consent at the forefront of your mind whether you’ve been with that person for 2 minutes or 20 years – you should always check as consent is never a guarantee!

    Tash – A Girl with a View

  25. It’s a difficult topic to talk about because while in some cases one of the partners (both she or he) can say no and anything after that is rape, in many other cases it’s not as clear and I imagine that some don’t even see it as rape because they are married or in a relationship, despite what happened in that situation.
    I think consent should be talked about within the couple and also to be taught in schools. On top of that, children should learn from a young age that what they want matter, no “give a kiss/hug to granny” if the child doesn’t want to do that. Making children state clearly that they are unhappy with being kissed or touched will make them more determined in their responses as adults too.

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