This post was inspired by Nicci from Baby gay days where she shared a story of the time her ex boyfriend had unconsented sex with her and believe me, I was MAD AF after reading that. Over time, I have been starting to wonder if guys would ever get to a stage where they let women be when they say no to sex. Stories of boyfriends and husbands having sex with their girlfriends/wives without their consent are becoming more rampant every day and believe me it’s heartbreaking. The fact that someone who is meant to be your safe space and someone who is meant to protect you from the cruelties of this world is the one to totally wreck you is so disheartening and what’s worse is the fact that most guys don’t think having sex without a girl’s consent is wrong!
Girls, if a guy loves you, he will respect your desires, likes, dislikes and everything about you. If you say no to a guy and he gets mad at you for saying no then he doesn’t love you. If a guy wouldn’t take no for an answer then he doesn’t love you as someone that cares for you would never want to do something you do not approve of.
These days, when a girl says no to a guy, he starts to make her feel guilty. Some men get angry and refuse to talk just because she refused to have sex with him for some reason while some others go ahead and have their way anyways. Some even go as far as telling you that they wouldn’t want to have sex with you if they didn’t love you which is a big LIE! The fact that a guy finds you f*ckable doesn’t mean he loves you. Nahhh far from it.
Now you listen, you should never let anyone make you feel guilty about not wanting to or not being in the mood to have sex with them. Nobody is entitled to having sex with you. You don’t owe anybody sex. No matter who it is, it is your body and you shouldn’t do it if you don’t wanna do it. I am 18 and I feel like I know a lot. I don’t know about you but I believe I own my body and so I have the right to do whatever I want to do with it whenever I want to do it. It’s high time CONSENT and the fact that you will not always be in the mood for sex is acknowledged.
CONSENT is very important and I feel like consent should be talked about prior to getting into a relationship and clear boundaries should be set. Before getting into a relationship, let the guy know that you won’t always be down for sex and in times like that, you want your feelings and desires to be acknowledged and respected. You should let him know that sex without your consent is a complete NO! If he’s cool with the aforementioned, (by saying if he’s cool, I don’t mean if he gives an unconvincing “I agree”, I mean if he gives a solid reply that shows he really agrees, and is completely okay with not having sex with you when you aren’t down for it and not having sex with you without your consent), you can go into the relationship otherwise, run away from that relationship.
Love understands. Come to think of this, if you really love someone and you ask them to do something and they don’t want to do it or they say they are not in the mood for it. You won’t force them would you? In the same way, if a guy really loves you he would respect your feelings, desires, wants, likes, dislikes and everything about you and he won’t have sex without your consent, force or cajole you to have sex with him when he knows you aren’t down for it. The fact that you are her boyfriend/husband doesn’t give you the right to touch her without her consent. It doesn’t mean she would always be down to have sex. Remember, if you love her, her feelings, wants would matter to you.
If anybody, anybody at all be it your husband, boyfriend, friend or whoever, has sex with you without your consent, it is RAPE and there is no better term for that. RAPE isn’t rape only when it’s some stranger you saw on the side of the street that forcefully had sex with you without your consent. Even if it is your husband or boyfriend that has sex with you without first getting a solid affirmative reply from you, it is RAPE. It is high time, we ladies start to sound the word CONSENT to guys, stand up for ourselves and let them know that unconsented sex is RAPE and nothing else!
We should speak up for ourselves and let go of the fear. If we don’t speak up for ourselves, how are we going to make the men understand that consent is important? How are we gonna let them know that our desires and opinions matter? How are they gonna understand the fact that we own our body and reserve the right to it no matter who they are in our lives? The earlier we decide to put an end to this, the better for us. We are not gonna just sit there and let these guys all in the name of boyfriends and husbands act like they own us and can do whatever they please. Social media doesn’t help either but we can change that. We are tired of feeling unsafe among people that are meant to be our safe space. It is time to let every guy out there know that unconsented sex is rape. It is time to stand up for you!
Some important facts about consent
- The absence of the word NO doesn’t mean she’s down for it.
- Consent should never be assumed.
- If she says no, let her be, do not pressure or try to cajole her into having sex with you. If she says no and then you pressure her into doing it and she ends up agreeing to do it, it doesn’t mean she gave her consent. It means you pressured her into doing it and pressuring is assault.
- Consent should never be taken in a drunken state.
- If the consent isn’t enthusiastic don’t do it. An unenthusiastic yes is as good as a no.
- We don’t owe anyone sex. If we say no, leave us alone.
- Consent is given without the use of force, threats or cajoling. If it takes convincing, it is not consent.
- Consent expires and the fact that she is down for it and willingly agrees to have sex today doesn’t mean, she is gonna be down for it every other time.