I am sad as hell but I’m smiling, dancing and looking like the happiest person alive. I am not in good state but you’ll never know. 99% of the time, there’s always a smile on my face so much that people ask me why I am always smiling haha. Some even go as far as calling me the always smiling girl. Everyone thinks my smiles are a confirmation that I am happy and in good state but even on my worst days, I put on a smile, act joyful and act like everything’s okay when reverse is the case.
A smile on her face
Tears in her soul
She seems ok
But she is in the middle of the ocean
She is sinking
But no one knows
Cos that smile is deceit
– A small poem written by me
A smile doesn’t always mean happiness. Most times, there is a broken, hurt and sad person behind that smile you see. I have always been the kind of person that never likes to show sad emotions. I don’t like people seeing me sad. That has always been a huge NAHHH for me. It’s not like I don’t accept my emotions or something. I accept my emotions, I know it’s okay to not be okay and I know everyone feels like crap sometimes but I just really hate showing sad emotions. Hiding my sad emotions has started to seem like culture to me so I decided to write this post to convince myself and everyone out there that you don’t need to act like you are okay when you are not.
2. Self love
So many of you are like me, I get it. I’ve been there. I can totally relate to the feeling of being a total wreck but trying to act like everything is okay till you are alone and everything bursts. You wanna act like everything’s okay even after knowing nothing’s okay and when you are alone, you spiral into a world of uncontrollable pain and hurt. You keep pretending to be okay till the cup gets full, runs over and makes a really bad mess. Why do we do that to ourselves tho? Acting okay when you are not okay is not a healthy way to react to your feelings and emotions. It will only make you bottle up feelings and emotions that you are meant to let go of.
I am still learning to show my sad emotions. When I am happy, I show it. What’s the problem with showing my sad emotions too? That’s a question I’ll probably never get answers to but I want you to know that emotions whether sad or happy ones are valid and trying to act like you are okay when you’re not is far from healthy. If you need to cry, cry regardless of who is around. If you need to break down and wail do it. Showing sad emotions doesn’t make you weak. The strongest people are those who are able to accept and show their real emotions without caring what the world thinks.
When you act like you are okay when you are not, you deprive yourself of feeling your feelings. We all have things that make us feel better during those bad days and for me, crying is a great way to let it all out. Whenever I cry, I feel better AF. I have decided to take the pretence off and show my emotions as they are. If I’m having a bad day, yea i’m a wreck on that day and I’m not gonna pretend to be okay. I will feel my feelings and react in whatever way seems best. I’m not putting on no mask anymore.
I won’t be okay all the time, that’s okay. I am tired of wearing a fake smile on days where all I wanna do is cry. Life wouldn’t always be rosy and that’s fine. There’s no need for me to put on a charade. Most of the time I am always genuinely happy but I want to learn to show my emotions when I am sad. There will always be sad days anyways. No one’s life is free of bad days. I will feel my feelings. I will not deprive myself of feeling my feelings by pretending to be happy and in good state when I am not.